The Hols of Chrimbo

Happy Holidays my friends! I can still say that right? Hanukkah is still going on. New Years hasn’t happened yet. Our sad, dried out Christmas Trees are still shedding dagger-like needles into our carpets. Yeah, I can still say Happy Holidays.

This Christmas was one I have been anticipating for a while. My very best friend in the entire universe (including Pluto) came to visit for Christmas. We ate lots of treats, watched every episode of The Office at least once, ate more treats, moaned about our sick tummies, and decided the only cure for sick tummies was more treats. Treats that were tainted by the overpowering taste of Chloraseptic Throat Lozenges. Eating a Chocolate Chloraseptic Peanut Butter Cup is not nearly as tasty as it sounds… Allow me to elaborate:

Tuesday: T minus 24 hours until arrival of best friendy. I notice a slight scratchiness in my throat. Immediately go to the grocery store and buy the following to combat potential sickness:

Echinacea
Chloraseptic Throat Lozenges
Chloraseptic Throat Spray
Robitussin
Vitamin C
Airborne (this crazy new fizzy pill thing that supposedly keeps you from getting sick)
Nyquil
Dayquil
Advil
Tylenol Cold and Sinus
Orange Juice

In combination I call this barrage of cold fighting medications Operation Shock and Awe.

Tuesday evening: Take one of each of the above listed cold fighting remedies. Shock and Awe round one.

Wednesday morning: Wake up with a full-blown sore throat. Can hardly swallow. Immediately take round two of Shock and Awe. Go into full party planning mode, as I am hosting the party of the century Thursday night.

Wednesday afternoon: Convince myself I have bird flu and look up symptoms on the internet. Oh Lord. I really do think I do have bird flu now. Main symptoms are: fever, cough, sore throat, sore throat, sore throat, muscle aches, eye infections, pneumonia, severe respiratory disease... Stop reading at this point. Feeling faint. Round 3 of Shock and Awe. Take 4 hour nap.

Wednesday evening: Pick up Ang from the airport. I feel like a giant piece of poo. Like on that movie Weird Science when the main character's mean older brother gets turned into a giant pile of poo. This is how I feel. Get home, round 4 of Shock and Awe. Add gargling of warm salt water to Shock and Awe.

Thursday morning: Trouble breathing through swollen throat. Drink lots of water and suck down about 14 lozenges. Shock and Awe round 5. Add hot water with Lemon and Honey to Shock and Awe. As this is possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever had to drink, this only lasts one round of Shock and Awe.

Thursday afternoon: Getting house ready for party. Shock and Awe seems to be having a positive effect.

Thursday right before party: Round 6 of shock and awe. Add many glasses of wine, martinis and lots of treats to Shock and Awe at this time. Best I’ve felt in three days…

I wake up Friday morning after a sleepless night. A little known fact. The average person swallows every fifteen minutes while sleeping. I know this because every time I swallowed in my sleep I would sit bolt upright in bed, feeling like someone had just punched me from inside my throat with brass knuckles. This happened all night, every fifteen minutes. Like clockwork. Sleeping sitting up was slightly better. This extended the sleeping time to roughly 45 minutes between throat grenade episodes.

I decide to go to the Doctor, and he adds Codeine and Naproxin to Shock and Awe. Come home and sleep for about 3 hours. Wake up and decided Shock and Awe may not be doing me any good so I stick with Chloraseptic Throat Lozenges, Icy Cold Diet Cokes, Codeine and holiday treats. I had at this time become convinced the sore throat was being caused by an evil little gnome living in my throat, poking me with little gnome forks, shards of broken glass, dried pine needles from my Christmas Tree and various other sharp objects. I also had the distinct impression the evil little Gnome, let’s call her Paige, was collecting the codeine I was eating like candy and building a little codeine palace with the pills, as they had zero effect on the pain living in my throat. I tried to placate her with endless consumption and variety of holiday treats, but nothing worked. The only refuge from the pain was constant sucking of lozenges followed by sips of frosty bevies.

Needless to say, I was sick the entire time Angela was here. Evil Paige the gnome did her best to ruin the Chrimbo Hols, but I am proud to say she failed. Even though I felt like I was swallowing broken lightbulbs for the majority of Ang’s visit, we still had a blast. We ate lots of good food (mine seasoned liberally by lozenges), watched good movies, went shopping, did a little snowboarding. We also uncovered our secret desire to become Geisha. I secretly think Ang fashioned a Kimono out of her bedding while I was sleeping and practiced being Geisha in her room late at night. We learned that eating our weight in chocolate is fun for no one. Discovered that sending each other instant messages while sitting on the same couch was way more hilarious than actually talking to each other. Most importantly we learned once again that the true Spirit of Christmas is this: She who gets the most preeeesents is the winner.