Once you go black...

A couple of weeks ago I woke up and thought, “I want to dye my hair black.” I enlisted the help of Shoshuna, who recommended instead of going black, I go dark brown first. This made sense to me, so we buy the hair dye, and I proceed to dye my hair dark brown. I woke up the next morning and noticed in the bathroom mirror that my hair was back to normal. Thinking the color rubbed off onto my pillowcase I ran back into my bedroom, but the pillowcases were mysteriously dye free. All I can figure is that the dye absorbed into my head, and I now have a dark brown skull, which Vogue says is quite fashionable in Paris this year.

Fast forward one week, and I decide to dye my hair again. Alone. And this time I am going all the way.

The color I choose is called black leather. “Sleek…Bold…Dangerous. Do you dare go this dark?” the package reads.

“Oh yes I do dare,” I think to myself. "Bring it on, L'Oreal!"

I was however slightly concerned about the dye staining my scalp as there is not much hair on top of my head to hide a dyed black scalp. My friend Susan, who also dyes her hair black, offered me some sage advice. Before I share this advice, just let me say that I am normally a very rational person. I think things through. She tells me that Windex will remove the stains. “Windex?” I think. “Yeah. That makes sense to me.” Who knows why I didn’t question this line of thought further. This is not one of my proudest moments. It comes in a close second to the time I was making mashed potatoes with an electric mixer, which I accidentally unplugged from the wall. I walk over to the outlet, and plug the mixer back in without turning the mixers off. I inserted the plugs back into the wall and the mixers whir back to life splattering potatoes all over me, and the entire kitchen. Walls, ceiling, windows, floor, everywhere. All I can say about both situations is this: At the time it made total sense.

Back to the matter at hand. I go into my bathroom, put on an old t-shirt and slather jet black dye all over my head. Looking in the mirror I feel quite pleased with myself. I feel so independent, so free spirited. “Ooohh,” I think to myself, “Look how dark it is already.” I notice a little dye on my ear, wipe if off with a towel and notice a small stain. “Oh well. No worries, I have my Windex.” Squirt, squirt goes the Windex onto a paper towel. Rub, rub goes the paper towel on my ear. Sh*t, sh*t goes my mouth as I see that Windex does absolutely nothing to remove the dye from my ear! I look in horror at a head completely covered in black dye. I sprint to the shower and jump in, clothes and all, and frantically start scrubbing my head. I wash my head with shampoo, face wash, body wash, more shampoo, some soap and more shampoo for good measure. The entire time I’m thinking, “I’m so screwed. I’m going to look like that guy who sold spray-on-hair in the infomercials.”

Luckily, by the next morning the dye stains are much less noticeable. I’m thinking my extra absorbent head has sucked in the black dye, and mixed it with the brown dye. I’m fairly certain I now have a leopard print skull. After 4 more showers, and half a bottle of shampoo I have a normal looking head once again and fantastic black dyed hair.