Shabbat Shalom!

“The “J” party is cancelled.” Shoshuna looked a bit miffed to learn the singles mixer at the Jewish Community Center had been nixed due to lack of RSVP’s. Shoshuna is my new friend from Manhattan. She is hillarious, and to my knowledge the only Jew living in Utah County. She had talked me into going along for moral support.

“That’s a bummer.”

“Don’t be too sad though. The coordinator, Debbie, says they’re holding a “gathering” at her mother-in-laws house that same night. And we’re invited! You’ll come right?”

“Hmmmmm. At the mother-in-laws? I don’t know…”

“You have got to come. Don’t make me go by myself.”

This is how I found myself sitting next to Sho in her Jeep, traveling to Salt Lake for a party at a person’s house neither of us had met.

“So is there any topic I shouldn’t bring up,” I asked. “Any topics that are taboo in the J religion?”

“No topics I can think of. Anything goes. Well, except Hitler. Don’t talk about Hitler.”

“Duh.”

“It should be fun. They probably live in some massive house. There will be great, traditional Jewish food, probably catered, and hopefully some single men!”

Thirty minutes later we arrive at the house, and I must say the neighborhood and house were somewhat surprising. The front yard of the house was overrun with weeds and the grass was dry, brown and looked as if it hadn’t been mowed in weeks.

“You’re sure this is the right address?” I asked.

“Yeah. I checked it twice.”

As we were sitting there getting ready to go inside another guest arrived. He parked his car, got out and I noticed two things immediately. First he was wearing a yarmulke. Secondly he was a long haired man! There was a sick ponytail coming our from under said yarmulke. “Great, a long haired Jew. Maybe he’s single Sho. Perhaps you will meet your husband here tonight.”

“Sick doll. No way.”

We get out of the car and go inside the house. My first impression was that they had a lot of…stuff. Stuff everywhere. On the floor, on the couches, on the shelves. Everywhere there was stuff. It looked like someone had taken a bag of trash, put a bomb inside and let it explode. There were pictures all over the walls of old men with long white hair. They were all haphazard on the wall. It looked like someone wearing a blindfold had just tossed them toward the wall and they stuck.

After we were introduced to everyone we were informed that we’d be making Sukkah’s. Truth be told, I’m still not sure what a Sukkah is, but it involved threading plastic grass through a u-shaped plastic frame, and then hanging little plastic pumpkins with yarn from the pieces of grass. They ended up being centerpieces on the tables. Tres tres strange to my non-Jewish eyes. From the look on Shoshuna’s face, she was just as puzzled as I was.

As we’re making the Sukkah’s I overhead two women beside me talking about an old couple that was hit by a car while crossing the street downtown. I lean over and say, “Did the old couple die?”

“Shhhh,” the younger woman hissed at me. “Don’t say that word around the children! We spell those words. D.I.E. And yes the couple is D.E.A.D.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

She then went back to talking with the other woman. Not 13 seconds later I hear her say, “And I was at the store and they were all out of rolls and I was like what the f***.” I nearly fell off the couch. She could say the “F” word in front of children but wanted me to spell die? Whatever.

Dinner was set to start at 7:00 and we finally sat down to eat at 8:30. By this time I was starving. On the table in front of me was a paper place setting including a small plastic shot glass sitting in the center of my plate. “This looks promising.” I thought to myself. Also on the table was a platter of deviled eggs, with a strange mixture of raw baby carrots and pistachios in the shell in the center of the plastic serving dish.

I leaned over to Sho and said, “Are deviled eggs traditional Jewish food?”

“Uh Uh.” I could tell from her behavior that this was not a typical Jewish Shabbat dinner. I also learned that the little shot glass was for wine which would be blessed as part of the prayers.

While we’re getting settled down I’m handed a baby-pink yarmulke to put on my head. Now for anyone who has never had to wear a yarmulke, it is much more difficult than you would imagine. It’s like balancing a book on your head. You can’t move around too much or it will fall right off. I felt like I was newly enrolled in charm school. So on top of the strange mixture of carrots and nuts in front of me, I now had to worry about not flipping my pretty pink yarmulke into someone’s deviled egg.

Once everyone is seated the prayers began. First there was a prayer / musical number by all of the women present. Lots of wailing and waving of the arms. Very puzzling. Then everyone got up from their chairs and went around hugging each other. As I am not one for physical contact with strangers and desperately trying not to move around too much for fear of dislodging my yarmulke, I closed my eyes hoping everyone would think I was praying and leave me alone. Luckily I managed to avoid the hug squad. Next there was a prayer / musical number by a man with white hair. This prayer / song went on for AGES. Then all the men sang something. Then everyone around me started reciting something else. Then it was time to drink the wine. I’m figuring, wine in a shot glass = a wine shooter. So I took it like a shot. Completely forgetting the yarmulke, which flew off my head like a Frisbee when I threw my head back to drink the wine.

After collecting my yarmulke I lean over to Sho, “Do I have to put this back on my head?” I said, gesturing with the rose colored head Frisbee.

“No, you can take if off now. You only need to ke….”

“WE WERE ALL SLAVES IN EGYPT!”

WTF??? I look around and crazy white haired man just decided that it was the appropriate time to shout, “We were all slaves in Egypt.” No lie. I swear on the Bible and the Torah that is exactly what he said. I nearly choked on my deviled egg.

Following the declaration of slavery, they passed around the appetizers. As the plate came my way I became very confused.

“Hey Sho, are Chinese egg rolls a traditional Jewish dish?”

“Mm Mm.” With an emphatic shake of the head. “I don’t know what’s going on! This is like the Jewish twilight zone. I swear that this is NOT how a normal Shabbat dinner is! I promise!”

Dinner was just as horrific as I was expecting. There was a large bowl of what looked like steaming dog food, but was really beef stroganoff made with hamburger. “Sho, is Beef Stroganoff a traditional Jewish dish?”

Again the head shake. “Mm Mm!”

I took enough food to not look like a total snob, and pushed it around my plate enough so that it looked like I had actually eaten some of it.

“Hey Chris!” I look down the table to one of the other guests at our table. “Do you like bourbon?”

Bourbon? What? “Maayyybbbee.” Anything to make this night more tolerable. Before I realize what’s going on I have a bourbon and diet coke sitting in front of me. Come to find out there are two little things that make even the most horrific dinner party tolerable. Bourbon and Diet Coke.

After three more Diet Cokes and bourbon I’m feeling pretty good. That is until I see a woman’s entire breast as she’s trying to feed her baby. This isn’t even the worst part. She’s breast-feeding right next to my cashmere sweater! The thought of breast milk on my sweater almost made me hurl. The thought of breast milk period made me want to hurl.

I had had enough. “Sho, there is an exposed boob by my sweater. We are leaving!”

We pack our things up and step gingerly over the badly stained carpet, careful to avoid the dried bits of food that dotted the carpet like little land mines.

Inside the safety of the car I say, “So, um, that was interesting…”

“Interesting!? That was horrifying! That house was filthy. The food was bad, and not even Jewish. My mother would just die! She would have left. The only thing they could do to make that house even somewhat livable is take a match to it. Ugh!”

"And what was with that guy that kept talking to me in Hebrew! Hello, I no speaky the Hebrew!"

"He wasn't speaking Hebrew! He was hearing impaired!" I thought Sho was going to have a coronary she was laughing so hard.

Overall the night was a total bust. No good food, no single men, no nice house and a bunch of crazies. Oy!