My Love Affair with Shopping

Everyone has something they can do, and no matter what, it will relax them. Some people meditate. Others will bake, read, sew, have sex…whatever. That is all well and good, but for me that outlet is shopping. I don’t even need to buy anything (although I do enjoy buying things) it is just the act of shopping that makes me smile. Wandering aimlessly through the stores, dodging pushy salespeople, thinking I have won some cosmic game if I can stay in a store for any period of time and not be harassed by some teenage worker. I love checking out the latest styles. Stopping every few racks, touching a shirt, feeling the fabric, noting the pattern and the price, then moving on to the next rack to repeat the process.

Ever since I was a little boy I have enjoyed shopping. I vividly remember asking my mother for a dollar and walking to Stewarts. Stewarts is the East Coast equivalent of 7-11. Before buying anything, I would browse the candy aisle, check out the potato chips, look at the automotive supplies. I’d usually end up buying an ice cream sundae, but not until I had perused all offerings in the store. It just didn’t seem right if I didn’t know the contents of the store before leaving.

As I got older my shopping became more specific. I would leave the house to shop for specific items to answer a specific shopping craving. Shoes are my number one quarry, but other times I will only look at kitchen items. Or office supplies. Home accessories like mirrors or end tables are pretty high on the list as well. Whatever stress I am having, there is a certain type of shopping that will alleviate it.

On Saturday, tragedy struck. This is the type of tragedy that will happen to each and every one of us at some point in our lives. But, when it happens you feel as if God has punched you in the stomach and said, “I hate you. You are old.” I found a grey hair. Yes, a grey hair. In my goatee. On the lower right part of my chin. One single grey hair. At first I tried to convince myself that it was really just a blonde hair. Because there is nothing wrong with blonde. Millions of people actually go out and pay to become blonde. A stray blonde hair isn’t something to be upset about. It’s actually something to be happy about! Upon closer inspection, even I couldn’t persuade myself that the hair was blond.

My first thought was of my mother. I remembered being in the car with her when I was 10ish. I looked over and said, “Hey. I see a grey hair!” To me, this was something exciting, something out of the norm and needed to be brought to her attention immediately. My mother reacted as if I’d said; “There’s a spider in your hair!” Her hands went to her head, “WHAT? WHERE! WHAT? Well, pull it out! PULL IT OUT!!!” I remember being kind of afraid of her as she shook her head in my face screaming, “PULL IT OUT! GET RID OF IT! EWW! EWW! EWW!” It wasn’t until some 17 years later that I understood what she was feeling.

My first plan of action was to do just as my mother did. Pull it out. Naturally I couldn’t find my tweezers. With no tweezers, the next best option was my fingers. No good. I couldn’t get a grip on just that hair, and unless I wanted a bald patch on my chin, and a missing chunk of skin, I was going to have to find another way. I thought about coloring it in with a Sharpie, but the only Sharpies I had were lime green and fuchsia. I’ll admit though, I did think that a lime green chin hair would be kind of fun…

With no options for getting rid of the offending hair, I found myself in the car. Driving to Salt Lake City. I HAD to go to Nordstrom Rack. I just knew that the shoes I had been secretly desiring were there waiting for me. On my way there I sent a text message to a couple of friends informing them of the bad news. I immediately received phone calls offering condolences. Then they would ask, “What are you doing now?” I replied, "Shopping." They laughed and said, “Naturally…”

After I heard this sentiment for the second time, I realized why I love shopping so much. For me it is a celebration of my success. It is something I have total control over. So what if I have a grey chin hair. Armed with the power of Visa I can spend $2,000 on shoes! Can you do that grey chin hair? I didn’t think so. So watch your back little grey hair, because as soon as I find my tweezers you are toast!