Chuck it out the window!!

I found out this past weekend that I am going to be an uncle. This is very exciting news, and I know that my little sister is thrilled. As is my mother, who will hopefully stop harassing me to have children of my own, which for obvious reasons will never, ever happen.

As I was thinking of what kind of mother my sister will be, I remembered something that happened when we were in high school.

Kerry was enrolled in a home economics class, where one assignment was to care for an electronic baby for 24 hours. The baby was programmed to cry at certain times and each time the baby would cry you had to find the appropriate key to soothe it. Each key was to be inserted into the baby's back and symbolized a different need the e-baby had. One key was for hunger, another for attention, a diaper change, etc… There were about 10 keys in all. If you neglected the baby and it cried for too long the computer inside the baby recorded the neglect and reported it back to the teacher. If you neglected the baby too often it would die, resulting in an F for the assignment.

My mother and I thought the baby wouldn’t make it through lunch. Miss Kerry doesn’t have the greatest amount of patience and we thought for sure she would shove the baby in her locker after it cried one time, effectively killing it. So, when Kerry arrived home that afternoon and the baby wasn’t broken in half, we were quite surprised. She told us that the baby had barely cried at all during the day and that she was actually having fun. She also told us that the person who had it before her forgot it in the car, and killed it. Which we all thought was quite hilarious. “I think I’ll really like being a mom.” Kerry told us, fake baby on hip. Famous last words.

We made it through the evening and the baby was remarkably well behaved. It only cried a few times, and she was able to get it to quiet down quickly by selecting the correct key.

The proverbial shit hit the fan however around 2am. Every 15-20 minutes the baby would start to cry. It must be noted that the e-baby didn’t cry like a normal baby. It didn’t make cute, cooing, look how adorable I am cries. Oh no. It cried as if an air raid siren had been hidden inside it’s little plastic body. When that baby cried the windows shook. Nothing, and I mean nothing could prepare you to be woken by that hideous screaming. The wailing would wake up everyone in the house, and after each awakening my sister grew less and less patient. I must admit, I secretly fantasized about "forgetting it it in my car" until morning.

Around 4am, the baby cried again. All of us lay in bed, fingers in ears, waiting for her to shut the baby off. We could hear my sister moving around in her room, hear her fiddling with the key ring, desperately trying to find the appropriate key to quiet the screaming machine. Nothing seemed to be working. Over the din, we could hear my sister talking, very faintly, to the baby. We strained to hear what she was saying, and could faintly hear the menacing whisper, “If you cry one more time, I’m going to throw you out the window…I dare you. Just one. More. Time…”

From the other room, my mother yells, “Kerry Marie! That is awful!!”

“Well I can’t stand it anymore! This stupid thing has been crying all night long! I hate it! I am tired and all I want to do is sleep!” I imagine her shaking the baby as she is saying this, while stabbing various keys into it’s back.

With that said, welcome to motherhood Kerry Marie! And to my in utero niece or nephew, please try and keep it down after 2am. Nobody wants to see you chucked out a window.