I told you so.

I have always felt that Diet Coke is a good substitute for water. People say that it is bad for me, that it actually causes dehydration, it can cause cancer etc…

At work today, one of my co-workers came into my office and said, “Does anyone else think that the water from the water cooler tastes bad?” Another co-worker piped up and said, “It does taste kinda bad.” Co-worker 1 said, “Yeah, it’s making me feel sick.” Co-worker 2 said, “Me too.”

I said, “I’ll go smell it and see if there’s something wrong.” I smell the water, taste a little bit, swirl it around in my mouth wine tasting style and spit it out. It tasted like mold. Which cannot be very good for you. I think most people would agree that a cup full of Diet Coke is always preferable to a cup full of moldy water.

I turned to my co-workers, pointed a finger at them and said, “HA! That is why I only drink Diet Coke.” I turned around and walked back to my office.

It feels so good to be right.

Say What?

It secretly makes me happy when people use words incorrectly. Not only does it make me feel smart, it makes me laugh my head off. Part of the reason I find this so funny is because I am a very visual person. When the wrong word is used I immediately visualize what the person is actually saying. Not what I know they are intending to say, but what is actually coming out of their mouth.

Below are a few of my favorite examples.

Example 1:

My newest guilty pleasure is a reality TV show called My Big Redneck Wedding. During one of my favorite episodes we find the groom writing his wedding vows. When finished he reads them to his granny. After expressing her love of Hot Pockets (really), Granny says, “You know, they don’t gots to rhyme.” To which the groom replies, “Aw, Granny. I don’t know how to use big, fancy words cuz I aint got no clitoris.”

Personally, I was not aware a clitoris was necessary for the use of large words. In my mind I picture women everywhere bent in half, looking toward their Va-J-J saying, “Give me another word for fancy. Luxurious? Perfect! Thanks clitoris!”

Example 2:

A few years ago, I was lucky enough to have two Jehovah’s Witnesses ring my doorbell. As I was politely asking them to go away, one of them said, “Does the Condensation of Christ mean nothing to you?” I’m assuming he meant to use the word Condescension, but with the JW’s you never can be sure. In my mind I pictured a glass of Iced Tea on a hot summer day with little droplets of water forming on the outside of the glass. In each droplet was a little mini Jesus. That, my friends, is the Condensation of Christ.

Example 3:

Only yesterday, I was watching a program on the History Channel about the origins of Earth. Starting 4.5 billion years ago they walked through the various stages of life on our planet. When they got to the dinosaurs they naturally discussed different theories on extinction. The most widely accepted theory they said had to do with a “huge astrological tragedy.” Clearly he meant astronomical. Immediately I imagined the dinosaurs reading their horoscopes in the newspaper and having it read, “The stars highlight all the power in your tenacious heart. You are willing to risk anything, even your own survival. Your sacrifice is not in vain. Goodbye.”

Example 4:

My friend Tracy was watching the local news and they were covering a shooting that had happened in Salt Lake City. Naturally, the reporters wanted to get the thoughts of eyewitnesses. The interviewed a woman who confessed that she had been “very dramatized by the shooting.”

Example 5:

For my final example I return to My Big Redneck Wedding. As the bride and groom were leaving their reception, the groom turns to the bride and says, “Honey, let’s go constipate our marriage!”

Enough said!

Splat!

Walking the dog in my neighborhood has become especially difficult. Claudia draws a good amount of attention making it impossible to walk more than a few steps without having to stop and chat with a neighbor. Step step step. Chat. Step step step. Chat. It’s really annoying. What is even more annoying is hearing the same comments over and over and over again. “Is that a horse?” “How much does that thing eat?” “Is that a horse?” “I’d hate to pick up that poop.” “Is that a horse?”

This weekend I decided to venture away from my neighborhood for our walk. Not too far from my house is a marina. Claudia likes the water. I like the water. No neighbors. All good reasons to walk around the marina.

The marina was bright and sunny. The frogs were croaking. There was a nice breeze. Someone even stopped to say, “Your Dane is beautiful.” I can count on one hand the number of times someone in public has correctly identified Claudia’s breed. Overall, it was the perfect afternoon.

We were meandering back to the car when a frog hopped out in front of us. I looked at Claudia to see what her reaction was going to be. I saw her cock her head, perk her ears forward and then pounce. To some this may sound cute. Or even playful. When you are a 100-pound dog with paws the size of human fists, pouncing is not cute. Or playful. Especially if you are a frog. Within 5 seconds of spotting the frog, Claudia had squashed it. Flat. Afraid she was going to then try and eat it, I dragged her away leaving the frog carcass behind.

Coincidentally, this is not my first experience watching an animal get smooshed. My sister and I were playing in our front yard when I was maybe 13. She had a broken foot at the time and was wearing a cast on one leg. I recall it being pink. To allow her to walk easily with the cast, there was a little boot that she could wear with a v-shaped wedge on the bottom. I can’t remember exactly how she broke her foot. It either involved a snow bank or roller-skates…

Anyway, we heard a commotion down the street, and saw a cat chasing a gerbil. As most children would, we ran to the rescue. After scaring the cat away, we attempted catch the gerbil. As luck would have it, it zigged when it should have zagged and ended up under my sisters foot. The foot with the cast. She didn’t react quickly enough and squished the gerbil, killing it instantly.

Even now, I remember two things vividly.

Number one: The sound.

Number two: When she lifted her foot I noticed both of it’s eyes had popped out. And by popped out, I mean literally popped out of it’s head. To this day she remains traumatized by this experience, and to this day it’s one of the funniest memories I have of our childhood.

I highly doubt that Claudia still remembers that frog. I, however, will add it to the list of small creatures squished by members of my family.