Say What?

It secretly makes me happy when people use words incorrectly. Not only does it make me feel smart, it makes me laugh my head off. Part of the reason I find this so funny is because I am a very visual person. When the wrong word is used I immediately visualize what the person is actually saying. Not what I know they are intending to say, but what is actually coming out of their mouth.

Below are a few of my favorite examples.

Example 1:

My newest guilty pleasure is a reality TV show called My Big Redneck Wedding. During one of my favorite episodes we find the groom writing his wedding vows. When finished he reads them to his granny. After expressing her love of Hot Pockets (really), Granny says, “You know, they don’t gots to rhyme.” To which the groom replies, “Aw, Granny. I don’t know how to use big, fancy words cuz I aint got no clitoris.”

Personally, I was not aware a clitoris was necessary for the use of large words. In my mind I picture women everywhere bent in half, looking toward their Va-J-J saying, “Give me another word for fancy. Luxurious? Perfect! Thanks clitoris!”

Example 2:

A few years ago, I was lucky enough to have two Jehovah’s Witnesses ring my doorbell. As I was politely asking them to go away, one of them said, “Does the Condensation of Christ mean nothing to you?” I’m assuming he meant to use the word Condescension, but with the JW’s you never can be sure. In my mind I pictured a glass of Iced Tea on a hot summer day with little droplets of water forming on the outside of the glass. In each droplet was a little mini Jesus. That, my friends, is the Condensation of Christ.

Example 3:

Only yesterday, I was watching a program on the History Channel about the origins of Earth. Starting 4.5 billion years ago they walked through the various stages of life on our planet. When they got to the dinosaurs they naturally discussed different theories on extinction. The most widely accepted theory they said had to do with a “huge astrological tragedy.” Clearly he meant astronomical. Immediately I imagined the dinosaurs reading their horoscopes in the newspaper and having it read, “The stars highlight all the power in your tenacious heart. You are willing to risk anything, even your own survival. Your sacrifice is not in vain. Goodbye.”

Example 4:

My friend Tracy was watching the local news and they were covering a shooting that had happened in Salt Lake City. Naturally, the reporters wanted to get the thoughts of eyewitnesses. The interviewed a woman who confessed that she had been “very dramatized by the shooting.”

Example 5:

For my final example I return to My Big Redneck Wedding. As the bride and groom were leaving their reception, the groom turns to the bride and says, “Honey, let’s go constipate our marriage!”

Enough said!