Jaywalking: The new Crack.

The vacation portion of my trip to Seattle started off a bit like a slasher film. As I was getting my luggage out of the taxi, I cut my finger on the rusty trunk. Immediately blood started gushing out of the cut on my knuckle. I pointed this out to the cab driver who looked at my finger, shrugged and said, “Hrumph.” He got in his car and drove away. Leaving me to bleed to death on the side of the road. My only hope of survival was to get up to Spencer’s apartment.

When I got into the apartment I show Doug my bloody stump of a finger and tell him to call 911. He looked at me and said, “I think you just need a band-aid.” What compassion! Turns out he was only partially right. I needed two band-aids! Although I didn’t bleed to death I’m sure I now have a myriad of diseases from that nasty taxi. Welcome to Seattle!

Once the finger situation was under control, and my life was out of danger, Doug and I decided to find some breakfast.

On our way to breakfast we had to walk past a construction site. There was a sign in front of the site that read, “Sidewalk Closed” and beside the fenced off area there were orange traffic cones. Between the cones and the fence there was an area that looked like a temporary sidewalk.

“We must be able to walk next to the fence,” I said as I stepped onto the temporary sidewalk.

When we are about halfway through the construction zone we can see a traffic cop waving his arm. It looked like he was shooing flies. He was roughly 50 years old and at least 475 pounds overweight.

“What’s he doing?” I say to Doug.

“Uhhhh, not sure.”

“Is he waving his arm at us?”

“Not sure.”

“Well, let’s just keep walking then.” I said

We walk the remaining half block to where the officer is positioned. Once we get within earshot, Officer MacUseless looks at us and our conversation goes something like this:

Officer MacUseless: “Identification please!”

Me: “Uhhhh, why?”

Officer MacUseless: “You were jaywalking!” By his tone he may as well have said, “I saw you rape and murder a nun while doing crack.”

Officer MacUseless: “Licenses!” We show our licences. “Can’t you two read? How many signs did you see that said sidewalk closed?”

Me: “Ummm, one I guess.”

Officer MacUseless (looking very smug): “Wrong!” He holds up his hand, fingers extended. “Three. There were three signs. You should know better than to walk in the street like that! If you were driving and saw a sign that said “Road Closed” would you drive on the sidewalk? Huh? Would you?”

Me: Here is what I wanted to say, “Weeeeelllll, that depends on how many drinks I’d had that night.” Here is what I actually said, “Well no.”

Officer MacUseless: “So why did you walk in the street?”

Before I could answer him, a younger Asian woman came walking along the same route we had just taken. The over-enthusiastic traffic cop stops her as well. “IDENTIFICATION!”

She looks at him and says in very clear English, “Why?”

“Because you were JAYWALKING!” He is really upset at this point. I would say he’s 90% of the way to having a full on Nervy B.

The woman looks at him, and again says in very clear English, “Well the sidewalk was closed and that looks like a temporary sidewalk.”

He looks at her and says, “Fine you can go then.”

I was stunned. Why was he letting her go? He turns back to us and says, “She was just following you! That Chinese woman probably can’t even read English!” Lovely. He’s not only an asshole, he’s a racist.

As we are standing there listening to his tirade, I lose track of what he is saying because I am distracted by the appalling state of his teeth. They are the most lovely shade of mustard, and I honestly think that they are made up of more plaque than tooth. It’s as if nature has given him little plaque crowns over all of his teeth. Breathtaking, and not in a scenic vista kind of way. I want to give him a lecture about the proper use of floss, but decide against it.

Right about the time that I am going to say, “Look, if you are going to give us a ticket, give us a ticket. I am hungry, and very nearly had my finger amputated this morning on a rusty taxi, and I am in no mood to listen to a fat traffic cop lecture me on the dangers of JAYWALKING!” he let us go. I’m still not sure why he let us go, but he finally said, “You’re lucky I’m not giving you both tickets! Now get out of here!”

We went on our way. The next day however, we happened to be walking in the same area (on the opposite side of the street) and again saw our friend, Officer MacUseless. This time however, there were at least 15 signs that said sidewalk closed, and he had erected a fortress for himself out of traffic barriers and bright orange safety cones.

Ironically, even with all of these precautions there were still a handful of people walking down the faux sidewalk. As we passed by, I couldn’t help but notice that he was still waving his arms frantically in the air at the people walking toward him. Only this time, things were different. This time he had a whistle…